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I was seduced by a Beth Ann imposter via text messaging!!!!!!!

So today was my day off. Beth was at work and I was missing her. Lucky for me I get this text message:

Beth: I wanna get naked today.

I look at it, remembering our romantic dinner last night, and then…BEEP!!!

Beth: I NEED to get laid today.

So this isn’t Beth’s normal behavior but if she’s trying to be sexy, I will do the best thing a girlfriend can do: support her and play along.

I text: Oooooh you nasty girl!!!!

A few minutes later I get the following reply:

Beth: My pussy is really wet!!!!!

This is rather blunt…I start to feel a bit uncomfy cause we don’t usually do this sort of thing. But I decide to get over it and continue!

I text: You are making me hard from such talk!!!!

A few minutes passed. The real Beth Ann probably would have gotten that…even though I’m a woman.

Beth: ???

Beth: What are you doing?

At this point, I’m beginning to get ready to leave to rehearse guitar at the practice space but I decide to continue to play along:

I text: I am pretending to touch your tender buttons as I touch these numbers…

Beth: What are you wearing underneath?

Her end is starting to sound like the typical list of things a phone sex operator would say. I begin to get suspicious.

I decide to call Beth to tell her to save it for the bedroom. I get her cell’s answering machine. I call immediately again. Someone picks up and immediately hangs up…

and then…BEEP!!!

Beth: Can’t talk

I text: But I wanna hear you talk dirty in my ear…

Beth: My pussy is really wet….

Beth: I want to suck two dicks in my mouth.

WHOA OKAY!!!!!!! Clearly this isn’t my sweet little GOLD STAR girlfriend, Beth! I mean, I know she has a GREAT sense of humor but she would NEVER go into that territory… I panic and start to wonder who I have been sending dirty messages to!!!!

After calling her work and leaving a message with her coworker, I decide to call her best friend, Bonnie.

Bonnie assures me she saw Beth at school and hasn’t been kidnapped. This makes me feel better about Beth’s safety….but surely not about some stranger reading my sexy texts (the line is quite thin between them laughing or getting off on it).

Finally the real Beth calls me back from her work. I ask her if she had been sending m e sexy text messages. She says her phone has been missing for 3 hours. She left it on the break room table, went to talk to her coworker, and when she returned it was gone.

NOW I’M MORTIFIED BECAUSE IT IS CONFIRMED SOME STRANGER HAS BEEN GETTING MY SEXY TEXT MESSAGES.

I tell Beth what is going on and she is very mad and is going to call the phone company. She also told her work managers and they posted this sign in the break room: “Whoever was working during the morning shift and stole Beth’s phone and is making perverted messages return it NOW!”

I continue with my day plans and begin to drive to my practice space….

BEEP!!!

(not really) Beth Ann: Do you not want me? I want you NOW!

I’m driving so I don’t respond right away.

(not really) Beth Ann: What’s Wrong?????

BEEP!

(not really) Beth Ann: I want you!

BEEP!

(not really) Beth Ann: I want two dicks to suck on at once!!!

I slam the brakes at a stop sign. This has gone too far.
Furious, I text: WE’RE ON TO YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!

Minutes pass…I arrive to my practice space. I set up.

BEEP!

(not really) Beth Ann: How so?

I text: You are fucking pathetic. This is probably the closest you will get to being laid. The phone company has been informed about this sad fact.

I put it all behind me and begin to rehearse. About 30 minutes later:

BEEP!!!!!

(not really) Beth Ann: Do you not want me?

Oh please!!!!! As if this imposter has NO BRAIN!!!! I mean, Who steals a phone for their WORK BREAK ROOM….a room that has LIMITED access to ONLY employees…and then makes sexy text messages and DOESN’T BACK OFF at the INKLING OF REALIZATION FROM THEIR RECIPIENT?!!!!!! Someone who is begging to be fired… I start to consider to fuck with their head… asking them to tell me what they are wearing and have them meet me in a public spot. When They ask what I’m going to be wearing when we meet I will lie. I will show up in disguise with some sort of minor weapon (ie, fork, pepper spray or set of keys) and use it on them for being SO FUCKING STUPID!!!*

Instead I don’t respond….

then BEEP!!!!

It is Beth’s best friend, Bonnie: I got texted too and I told them to return the phone.

BEEP!

(not really) Beth Ann: I found this on the bus. You want it back?

GODDAMMIT! I hate it when people have all the power! And they are liars too! Since the REAL Beth told me the phone was stolen from her work break room…

I decide to put it aside and continue with my rehearsal.

Later, in the evening, I meet up with JON and tell him about this truly “Blog-Worthy” happening. He says I should send them a mindfuck text them saying: “If this phone isn’t returned to the Whole Foods break room by tomorrow, YOU will be FIRED for SEXUAL HARASSMENT!!!”

I send them the mindfuck text and haven’t heard any smart assed responses… I bet whoever is on the other end is tossing and turning in their bed right now…worried about their fate…God help them if I ever find out who it is.*